Right now I can’t even read through the entire message because I’m crying too hard. I want to watch the video again that he made last year, but the moment the music comes on I know I can’t.
As National Eating Disorder Awareness Week has drawn to its close, and having finished an overwhelmingly successful fundraiser (for which I owe you all of the credit), I feel like the time is right to make an announcement.
I’m going back into residential treatment for my own eating disorder for a while. Actually, I’ve been in residential for the past week, but didn’t want to distract from the fundraiser until it was complete.
Some of you are probably thinking: “Wait a second… wasn’t he *just* in residential treatment?” Well… yes and no. Yes, I left residential treatment about 5 months ago when my insurance ran out. 5 months is a relatively short amount of time, but can also be an eternity when you’re left with unresolved issues. In my case, as the eating disorder symptoms stopped being a problem, that led to intense anxiety. That anxiety, in turn, led to a pretty bad bout of depression. And that depression led me to turn back to my eating disorder.
In technical terms, I relapsed. It’s not uncommon. Statistics vary, but it’s generally believed that somewhere around 50% of patients tend to relapse in their first year after spending time at an inpatient/residential facility. Unfortunately, though I tried very hard not to fall under this statistic, as I’ve said before: eating disorders are sneaky little bastards, and they can come creeping in and take over your life before you even know it is happening.
I have no clue how long this stay will be. I do know that, this time, I’m staying here until I’ve worked through the underlying issues that lead me to turn to my disorder. Last time, I essentially cured the symptoms without fixing the disease. Or, to get all metaphorical on you, I tore up the weeds in the garden without managing to dig up the roots, and, as is expected, the weeds grew back.
In the meantime, I’ll obviously be taking a hiatus from music and production while in the recovery process. But I’ll also be taking a sabbatical from social networks (Facebook, Twitter, my blog… and I’ll try really really hard not to Instagram the pictures my parents send me of my cat). I’ll do my best to respond to personal messages on any of those platforms, but I won’t be responding to or making any wall posts, @ replies, or anything like that.
But I’m not dropping off the face of the earth. If you’d like to reach me for any reason, I’ll still be checking and doing my best to respond to emails at email@example.com. If you have my personal cell phone number, I’ll be doing my best to respond to any texts that I get, and if you don’t have my personal cell, you can text my work phone at (773) 980-6793. I do have to emphasize that I will *try* (and will try very very hard) to respond to everything. But, just to put things in perspective, I have *very* little free time, so I apologize in advance if some communication falls through the cracks. I promise, I will read everything, and that emails and texts from the outside world are greatly appreciated, as I’m a little bit sequestered at the moment.
Let me just say thank you to you all for your support and for sticking by me during my struggles. I promise that, when the time is right and when I am healthy, I will be back, and will be better than ever. I’ll be putting out albums left and right, producing like crazy, hanging out with as many of you as possible… and best of all, I’ll be doing it without an eating disorder. If you thought that I was able to do cool stuff before, just wait until you see me when I’m healthy. I plan to be a force to be reckoned with.
I love you all dearly, and will miss you while I’m gone, but I know that this is for the best. And when it’s all done, you’ll have an even better Matt than you’ve ever had before. And hopefully that’s something for us all to look forward to.
Even though we never met, I felt a connection to Matt. I think it was his sincerity and honesty, even while he was struggling. I could just tell that his candidness and hopefulness were going to give others hope, too, and maybe the impetus to seek their own recovery and support.
So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling, or you know someone who is: it’s time to do something about it. Eating disorders are serious, deadly illnesses, and you (and me, and Matt, and everyone) deserve to be healthy and happy.
Here’s the video that Matt made again. Please watch it, and share this with anyone who needs to hear it.
I wish I could have met you. Rest in peace, Matt.